But We ARE Guards!

Summary
After a harrowing adventure with Cannibals the party decided to retire with their 5 casks of ale. Baldrick, Carter and Firali managed to wake up without any sort of hangover while Scraaw, Doug, and Sofae were bedridden due to their smaller statures and inability to match mugs with the rest of the party. As a result, the rest of the guys decided to explore Arpeon.

The first order of business was selling some of the wares they had gotten from the cannibals, so they asked around and made their way to a reputable shop ran by a Dwarf named Droka Stonespout. Droka commented on how the blood on the wares would decrease the value/make it harder to resell but Baldrick Carter and Firali intimidated him into purchasing goblets for more than their market value. After this the party decided to split off and act upon their own goals.

The first thing that Carter did was ask around about a smiling white dragon that was rumoured to be seen in the Arpeon area. He was directed to the Shining Loon, an artsy tavern where he found the white dragonborn working as a bard, playing a lute to the patrons. He sat down and sent a message to the bard who suddenly became fidgety and shortly walked out of the tavern nervously. Carter ended up following him and encountering him in an alley looking distraught and holding a rapier. Carter immediately rushed the dragon and pinned him to the alley wall, holding a blade to his throat. After questioning the dragonborn (who wet his breeches) he learned that this was not Jester and let him leave, saying he wasn't the creature he was looking for. Feeling disappointed, Carter decided to walk through the town centre and clear his mind.

Meanwhile, Firali approached the Blackbell Traders, a caravansary within Arpeon, and was stopped by a guard who decided to posture and attempt to Firali for snooping around about Orc activity but was caught off guard by a dagger poking his side and directed him to the stronghold where the mayor and captain of guards resided. Upon reaching two guards at the portcullis, Firali began to question them about Orc activity in the region and demanded to speak to the guards. The guards, who were confused that an Elf was demanding to speak to guards despite obviously being guards exclaimed, "But we ARE Guards", and began to get wary. They then asked Firali if he was inebriated or on drugs, which resulted in Firali getting annoyed at the accusations and he ended up convincing them that he wasn't. He then decided to sit in the town square to listen in on conversations and ascertain any gossip/rumours.

Baldrick decided to look for some work as he was getting bored with lugging the cart around without a purpose and learned of a baker having some troubles. As he approached he saw a human blur filling orders and decorating various pastries. The baker obviously busy was a bit curt and rude towards Baldrick who threatened to harm him or his shop if he didn't show some respect, after some deliberation on wages he learned that the baker's silo was using grain much faster than expected and was led by the baker's assistant to the site. While en route Baldrick and the boy met up with Carter who decided to accompany them. Upon reaching the house the boy claimed the wife was probably out and without a second though Baldrick jumped through the window, cutting up some of his legs in the process and Carter, following his lead jumped in the other, spilling some sort of urn that held ashes. The boy, shocked began to run back to the bakery screaming that he must tell the baker about the damages.

After some mucking about in the home, Baldrick and Carter realized that the baker mentioned the issue was with his silo, outside of the home. Feeling a bit sheepish they both made their way to the back of the house where Baldrick smashed the door down with ferocity, turning it to sawdust. As they stepped out, Baldrick searched the mill and Carter searched the hut where the goat was kept. Baldrick found no evidence of tampering while Carter's keen eyes spotted a hole between the goat's water trough and the portion of the wall that was connected to the silo. After sending his bat to investigate the two were met with leering eyes and as they coaxed the creature out they saw what appeared like a sickly and badly beaten goblin with bloody fingernails and a broken leg climb out. They discovered the goblin was named Squeeb, and who hid out after being replaced as the leader of his tribe. Baldrick and Carter suggested killing the new leader and reinstating Squeeb to his original post. After some resistance, and some intimidation Squeeb agreed to lead them to the hideout and was promptly hidden in the cart.

Meanwhile as evening fell over Arpeon, Firali decided to head back to the inn for nourishment and rest. He had learned that the town was busy with preparations for the Sapphire Festival where hopefuls competed to showcase their skills and become the next guards of Azurekeep or various nobles/wealthy merchants. He also learned of an ever growing drug problem in the area. When Firali was a 5 minutes walk away from the inn, he felt a presence and ducked as a bottle went sailing over his head, smashing into the building in front of him, a drunken Elb Sr began yelling at him and shambled over, slurring as he complained about how Baldrick's action cost him his job as a woodcutter and how he was a good for nothing while his son immediately began work to keep him fed. Feeling despair he began to sob, pleading for Firali's help in finding a job for him and vowed to make Baldrick pay for his current situation. Firali ignored his pleas and left him to wallow in his pity and puke.

When Firali reached the inn, he was called over by the innkeeper Lippa who no longer charmed, told him that she was crazy to give them such a huge discount and decided to charge them the regular price as she risked being left in dire straits if she incurred such a loss. Firali grew a little annoyed at her trying to back out of the (charm induced) deal and despite her protests persuaded her to keep the fee the same. He then decided to enact some vengeance upon Baldrick and searched for that what was wrongfully taken from him. Firali found Doug the dog in Sofae's room where both were a bit hungover, and he lamented the fact that Baldrick assumed ownership while he did all the hard work in taming him. Firali decided to stay with the dog and pet him affectionately while soothing his pains, and as a result the dog became more receptive towards him. Firali then renamed the dog John and decided that he would not let Baldrick take advantage of his hard work.

As Carter and Baldrick reached the outside of the bakery, they spied a couple guards talking to the bakery owner and his assistant, taking notes. Baldrick and Carter decided to lie to the guards and tell them the boy was the vandal. Catching the guards by surprise, Baldrick kicked the door open with a deafening thud and such ferocity that various cups/plate fell to the ground and shattered. As Baldrick yelled out his lie he was not heard over the sounds of his destruction and appeared to be aggressive to the guards. As the guards began to take out their weapons, Carter stepped in and calmly told them that the boy had vandalized the property, despite the boy's protests the guards and baker believed Carter, which led to the boy getting beaten by a rolling pin and escorted out by a guard. The other guard got a full report from Baldrick and Carter and mentioned the boy, being an orphan would have his fate decided by the judge Gwarri Oakhammer and would most likely end up being sent to Caraddo, the "meanest son of a bitch" guard trainer. After reporting that the missing grain was likely the boy selling it, Baldrick and Carter were thanked for their help and pocketed 16 gold and 3 Anaconda Buns (which are apparently endorsed by someone named Mickey Ninaj) before leaving.

As Baldrick and Carter made their way back, Carter decided to head back to the Shining Loon to ask the dragonborn bard more questions. This time, knowing better, the Dragonborn approached Carter after being gestured to come and asked him what he wanted. Carter asked for the Dragonborn's name and where he whether or not he knew any information about a white dragon. The Dragonborn (named Tobal Scrim) mentioned he knows white dragons generally prefer colder climates, he himself not preferring the summer in Arpeon and suggested that since there was no library in Arpeon, Carter's best bet was to go to the elves in Eliasil or browse the tomes in Sanctum Arcanum the magic university on the Golden Peninsula. Tobal then asked why Carter was looking for such a dangerous kind of creature and laughed when Carter explained a white dragon killed his family, now knowing why Carter had chased him down and held a knife to his throat as with such purpose. Carter satisfied, made his way back to the inn as Tobal resumed playing to his crowd.

Baldrick made his way back to the inn with the jingle of coins in his pocket and the thought of playing with Doug upon his return. When approaching Sofae's door, he heard whispers and a muffled bark and became anxious, wanting to make sure Doug was safe. When calling out to him Sofae told him to not make so much noise as she had an ear-splitting headache and said Doug was fine. Baldrick became a bit upset and yelled at Doug to open the door while Sofae told Firali to jump out her window. Firali refused and stood his ground saying he would not leave John to the Dwarf once more. As Baldrick took out his battleaxe and yelled that he would smash his door down, Carter entered the inn where he heard patrons laugh and guess that some sort of lover's quarrel was going on. Carter knowing better, decided to attempt to sneak his way past as Sofae scared of the damage opened the door. For a moment Baldrick was shocked at Doug sitting in Firali's lap and began to argue with him. Carter wanting to avoid the drama tried to hug the wall but the creaking of the floorboards made his presence known; fortunately no one paid attention to his poor attempts at sneaking by and he managed to get to his room unscathed.

As the argument drew to a close Baldrick once again challenged Firali and said Doug would choose him. As Sofae groaned and put Doug in the middle, both Firali and Baldrick attempted to get Doug to choose them over the other. Much to Baldrick's dismay Doug (Now named John) chose Firali and he turned away, heartbroken yelling "Doug you Judas" as he trudged his way to his room. Firali, feeling triumphant took John to his room and Sofae sighed a breath of relief as she could go back to fighting her hangover. Scraaw came out of the room with a bag over his head asking someone if it was morning yet and decided to go back to his room when met with no response.

Kills
None, unless you count a young boy's dreams.

Loot

 * 3 Anaconda Buns (Mickey Ninaj approved!)
 * 42 Gold (26 from sale of goblets)
 * 1 "Squeeb"